I thought it would be funny to post some News of Record reports from where I grew up, for comparison’s sake. From the depths of the Central Sierra Nevada Mountains, here’s all the crime that’s fit to print. (All reports are taken directly from the published police blotter and are not edited or modified.) Happy Friday!

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7:21 a.m., Lake Don Pedro — A man said he was kidnapped from Fremont and brought to Fleming Meadows on Bonds Flat Road. He then said he voluntarily came up but he felt lured there under false pretenses.

8:34 a.m., Twain Harte — A man on Superior Drive at Confidence South Fork Road said a woman told him she “heard on the street” another man put a contract out on his son.

11:55 a.m., Tuolumne area — A woman on the 15100 block of Mountain Lily Road said she was selling her couch online and received eight $100 bills from “Bruse Willis.” The money was determined to be counterfeit.

8:14 a.m., Mono Vista — A woman said five juveniles climbed in the dining room window and vandalized her residence on the 20300 block of North Sunshine Road. She said they were all still there, “passed out drunk” in the house.

8:20 a.m., Tuolumne — A caller on the 20000 block of Hani Drive said someone put flour water and plastic wrap all over a neighbor’s vehicle, and the neighbor is out of town.

9:38 p.m., Sugar Pine — A woman on the 24100 block of Pine Lake Drive said a man was calling and harassing her. She said he rambles in a bizarre manner and claimed to be a neighbor. She said she was “creeped out by the molester-type voice.”

2:36 p.m., Columbia — Gravel and taco spice mix were put in two washing machines at an RV park on the 23200 block of Italian Bar Road.

Midnight, Columbia — A woman on the 10900 block of Green Street said she swallowed gum and was very nervous about the situation.

6:44 a.m., Sonora area — Several reports were made of a shirtless, dirty man with long hair and bloody legs waving a stick and yelling at passing motorists on Highway 108 at Lime Kiln Road.

7:33 p.m., Twain Harte — A 53-year-old woman, who may have been drinking, said she has been beaten for the last three years and is the victim of incest. A deputy, however, determined she just wanted a ride, so he advised her to call a taxi.

9:59 p.m., Columbia — A man was arrested on suspicion of public intoxication after he was banging on people’s doors on the 22400 block of South Airport Road, saying he had been shot and was not wearing pants. No wounds were found on him.

AND THE ICING ON THE CAKE:
6:07 p.m., Columbia — A woman on the 21800 block of Sawmill Flat Road was angry because her 2-year-old daughter returned home from a weekend with her father and had a “mullet” haircut.